When healing leads to more healing, which leads to deeper healing and the feeling that maybe you won’t be healed ever…
This was me recently. "Alright, I’m ready! I’m going to step back into the world, pick up where I left off, and do the work I feel called to do! I’m going to create my path! World watch out!"
It turns out, I wasn’t quite ready. I had taken some much needed, much…forced…time to heal. My physical body was in shambles, it seemed, and if I wanted to live longer than my parents, who both died quite young by today’s standards (My mom did not see 60, and my estranged father was around 65…I think), I needed to step back and really focus on my health. With physical health changes, sometimes mental health challenges come up to. And because all things are intertwined, this effected emotional and spiritual health.
When I emerged, I felt “healed”, but it turns out, things were a lot deeper than I thought. When push came to shove, It turned out healing had left me vulnerable, weaker (in terms of energy and stamina) and things around me had changed. The world felt even more a mess. There was not a lot of "pick up where I left off", and it’s become more like…"how and where do I restart?" I felt like I missed my chance, and that all the doors to my dreams were shut closed. I felt guilty, here I was resting and I should've been working harder, right?
In truth, they weren’t, of course. It was a matter of figuring out how to proceed, and which doors are locked, and which just need to be opened again. Maybe a few were closed, and I missed a chance, but my healing was more important, and those doors weren't the best choice for my higher self. My path looks different than it did a few years ago, but that doesn’t mean I’ve reached a dead end. It turns out, it’s just a new mountain to climb.
Healing is a process. And sometimes it’s longer than you thought. Sometimes it’s never ending. Talking to my own therapist has helped me to realize that sometimes, wounds heal but the trauma of those wounds need constant care. Thinking that all wounds will eventually heal and fade is actually kind of ableist. Not all wounds heal, and sometimes you have to carry scars and side effects the rest of your life. I have childhood wounds and now my inner child has to be cared for quite often.
My body goes into fight or flight at the drop of a pin now. And putting it back in normal mode is a process. It effects and affects everything. I’m learning how to do that, and my hope is that in time, it won’t take forever to go back to normal if I’m “triggered”. I’ve reach out and found the tools I need: deepening my meditation practice, tapping into my Goddess and the Divine Universe, talking to my therapist, talking to my own spiritual companion, talking to my closest and most trusted of friends, medication (yes, this is an important tool!), journaling, getting out into nature and most importantly, understanding my own body. Recognizing when I need to step back, when I need to rest, and not feel guilt over any of it.
I feel a bit like I’m at square one again, but in truth, I know I’ve made progress. I know my own human-ness- as well as my own Divinity. Healing isn’t something that happens overnight- it takes time and effort and, in many ways, is never ended.
Self-care is healing.
Rest is healing.
Prayer and meditation is healing.
Time is healing.
Stepping back is healing. Re-starting is healing. Realizing things won’t be the same is healing. Realizing that it’s going to be ok is healing. Thinking that it won’t be ok is healing. Crying, anger, sadness is normal…and healing. Making the changes you need is healing. Realizing that maybe, just maybe…healing is a process that will take years…is healing.
Healing is not all love and light- there's a darkness in healing. Darkness as in not being evil or bad, but quietness, patience yet difficult and painful. There can be feelings of isolation and frustration. It's not linear, you can feel two steps forward, one step back, frequently. But healing is cleansing and purification. It's discovering who and what you are made of, and who stands by you. It's cutting out the rotted parts of you, which makes you weaker for awhile, but stronger in the end. Leaving in the rot would make you forever weaker, and the rot would spread.
And the biggest truth to healing is that a part of healing is learning to enjoy life again. That's both a hard part, and the best part. At some point, in the healing process, you stop turning to the things that aren't truly enjoyable, things that aren't making you happy- and you find what does.
The ups and downs of your emotions is normal. Feel them, it’s ok. Healing isn’t easy- sometimes it hurts a whole lot. But healing is necessary. And remember, you don’t have to go it alone. Talk to your friends and family. Talk to your therapist. Find a spiritual companion. Talk to your Gods and Goddesses. And know that your healing is worth it- because you need it, and you are worth it.
Trust the process Sionainn. Stepping forward and back is part of that. The “forward momentum” many perceive involves looking back, inward, and outside of one’s self. Only when you have done this can you move forward. Trust your darkness, there lays your strength. Be well, be spiritual, walk the Path. You got this.