It’s been a long 5 days for me. Getting the kids ready for school is always an adventure, time consuming, and sometimes expensive. Maybe it’s because of the pandemic, and it’s the first time since March 2020 that my older kids stepped foot into a school building, it felt extra stressful. I think there was a lot of anxiety, for both myself and my kids. I know my kids well, and I knew adjusting back to a school routine was going to be hard. It was the part of returning to school that I didn't look forward to.
On top of that, since I’ve opted to keep my youngest child home, since she can’t be vaccinated at the age of 8, and that my area’s vaccination rate is a little above 50% (depending on the source, I’ve seen it ranged between 48% and 52%) I decided it was better to continue homeschooling her. It’s not ideal, of course. I wanted to dedicate my days to doing my coursework, building Liminal Raven Ministry and accepting clients for spiritual counseling. (All things I’m still doing, just with a lot of work in between!)
I admit it- I’m feeling down. It's only day 2 and I'm tired. I'm frustrated with the world, frustrated that this was the choice I had to make. I’ve wanted to cry, to scream, to give up, but the thing that keeps me going is something The Morrigan has taught me.
Badb, as the Washer-at-the-Ford, and one of the aspects of The Morrigan, washes the clothing of the slain. If you come upon her before a battle, it is said to be foreboding- it meant that you wouldn’t return from this battle. But you also have a choice- proceed forward, or turn back.
Now, in our modern times, our battles aren’t the bloody type, at least not for the majority of us. War battles aren't everyday, and the struggle for survival is not the same as our ancestors. That doesn’t mean that The Washer-at-the-Ford's wisdom can’t apply.
Not all our choices will be easy ones. Not all our choices will feel the best- they might be hard, and cause pain, and some suffering. But, they are still our choice.
I easily could’ve said “Fuck it, I’m sending my youngest back, vaccinated or not. I need ME time.” There honestly was nothing wrong with this choice. If another made that choice, I wouldn’t look down on them, and instead, cheer them for making a hard choice. Because it was hard. As a mother, I want to do what’s best for my children. I also base my decisions on what I’m able to do. I’m home anyways- and with only one kid to homeschool (trust me, 3 kids at 3 vastly different levels was HARD), things aren’t that bad. But I'm also a woman that is seeking a new calling, creating a path to walk that is both satisfying, fulfilling and brings in some income that would help my family.
The thing that made me think was I asked myself- if, by some chance, my daughter got sick from going to school, and it was the worst case scenario...how would I react? And the answer was that I’d react badly. I know myself enough to know the kind of guilt I’d carry. It might be a bit of a stretch to compare myself to a soldier going into battle. If they ran into the Washer-at-the-Ford, I imagine them asking them a similar question. If I turn around and go home, but the battle is lost and my home, my family is massacred, how will I react compared to if I go into battle, and die but it was the difference that led to victory? It’s a tough choice because we never know how the alternative comes out.
As I meditated, I got messages from The Morrigan. Not all our choices will be easy ones. Not all our choices will feel the best- they might be hard, and cause pain, and some suffering. But, they are still our choice. Grief. Endure. Protection. Gifts. I understood that this wouldn’t be easy, or comfortable. But this was the second choice I could make- I could be miserable, or I could make the best of it. Believe it or not, that’s not an easy choice either. You would think it is, but trauma does wacky things to a person, or so it has in my experience. Being sad, feeling isolated and melancholy, feeling helpless are easy places to go, particularly for myself.
It’s ok to feel that- these are normal feelings. It’s grief. I’m not grieving death, but I am grieving lost time and opportunities, and feeling like I’m pursuing my goals. But I don’t let these things define me, because in the end, I am a priestess of The Morrigan and her strength is a part of my strength. I get up, and I continue to fight my daily battles.
Endure. Sometimes pain is a part of the process. The little prick from a needle can save a world of worse. Without pain, your body wouldn’t know to retract your hand from something hot. Without pain, would we know when we need to rest, seek treatment and heal? Only you know what you can endure, before it’s time to stop and say no more.
Life can be really strange at times, when your path seems clear, but as you get closer, you see the obstacles. The path isn’t always as straightforward was you think. That’s just how life works, and we might feel powerless. Our choices might be limited, or be between things that are uncomfortable, painful, and things we’d rather not have to face. The real question then becomes what your priority is (in my case, keeping my unvaccinated child safe), and how much discomfort can you endure in this (hopefully) short phase of life.
We might not be the strong warriors that our ancestors were, fighting for survival, but we are strong warriors, able to overcome the daily battles of the modern world.
*This is my UPG. I don’t claim these things as anything else but my own gnosis and experience. Yours may be different.
**If you like my articles, please consider buying me a cup of coffee! It helps keep me going and adding new resources for my readers!